why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
