My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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