my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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