My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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