God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
