I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
