I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
