My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
