hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
