Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
