So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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