When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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