She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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