I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
