I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
