I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
