Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
