So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
