So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
