I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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