Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
