So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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