Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
