just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
