I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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