I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
