just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
