the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he thought i was a dude.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm like, not good at living.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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