Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I supernannyed him into submission
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
