He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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