ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i love accidental penises.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
