I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
