Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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