Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
