at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
40s are totally the cure
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
