while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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