hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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