Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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