She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
