**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
