Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
