I wish my penis had an off switch
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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