things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
