I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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