2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
