and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
