I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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