ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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