Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he was CRYING into my vagina
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
