Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
