the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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