just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
COCAINE IS GR8
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
