i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
