Your dad touched me again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
