I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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