I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
