His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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