Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
