My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
ttyl tear gas
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
