Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
