They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
